New Places

I have found  myself in some strange places.  far away from home. Not that where I am is strange, but at fifty five years old it is. When your on hospice and your body is failing you and the one person you thought would really care for you all along was not

really equipped to, In the ways you need. ( emotionally) but at the same time coming to realize that your own loss of control of every bodily function you have and ability to just run right out and take care of yourself is off the table is a really tough reality when you have done it most your life since your were 9.

  When people have said hurtful things even unintentionally .

Ouch! My heart is broken but I must choose Love and find Joy!  Don’t we all say things when we are hurting and mad ?

But then I find myself back at Cheryl, remember all your blessings. Remember all the times he ask; can I do anything for you? Can I get you something to drink? Can I put gas in your car? Remember all that God has brought you through. I keep getting letters in the mail and e-mails from unexpected places and dreams that I can’t explain that remind me to keep going! Don’t give up! Because we both have issues and we walk it out together with the Lord. A cord of 3 strands is uneasily broken. I used to say I got his For Richer or poorer and he got my in Sickness and health till death do us part- it is a covenant not a contract. And now we seek counsel together and realize that facing something terminal  is of great challenge and we have decided we want to finish well.

I have lost a total of 46lbs. it was mostly in 2 months time in the past two years. It has not returned. When I look at it I feel like I look the same. Stupid I know.

Losing all of your digestive organs inside is no joke, but I have learned to Joke a lot about it!

I have more than that learned a big difference between Joy and Happiness.

Joy comes from the Lord and it is a choice. I have found that almost everything in life we do or have is a choice.

Nehemiah 8:10NIV  Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength.

In Deuteronomy 30:19 AMP I call heaven and earth to witness this day against you that I have set before you life and death, the blessings and the curses; therefore choose life that you and your descendants may live.

Psalm 28:7 AMP  The Lord is my Strength and my { Impenetrable} shield; my heart trust in relies on , confidently leans on Him, and I am helped; therefore my heart greatly rejoices, and with my song will I praise Him.

Proverbs 3:6-8 6)In all your ways know, recognize and acknowledge Him and He will direct and make straight and plain your paths. 7)Be not wise in your own eyes; reverently fear and worship the Lord and turn        (entirely) away from evil.8)It shall be health to your nerves and sinews, and marrow and moistening to your bones.

Well… that is a very deep subject. The word in Psalm 42:5-8 AMP 5) Why are you downcast, O my inner self? And why should you moan over me and be disquieted within me? Hope in God and wait expectantly for Him, for I shall yet Praise Him My help and my God.6) O my God, my life is cast down upon me{and I find the Burden more than I can bear}; Therefore will I { earnestly} remember you from the land of Jordan{river} and from the {summits of Mount} Hermon. From the little mountain Mizar.7){Roaring} deep calls to {roaring} deep at the thunder of your water-spouts: all your breakers and your rolling waves have gone over me.8)Yet the Lord will command His Loving kindness in the daytime, and in the night His song shall be with me. A prayer to the God of my life.

As I reflect on the Word deep unto deep. I think of my own desert places, what is my Jordan that I have had to cross over? What Mountain has the Lord met me at and carried me? What waves and valley’s has he travailed through and pulled me up out of?  More than I can ever count.

Over the past few years I have felt the Lord give me words to really focus on in my spiritual journey with Him. As in my maturation process. O because contrary to modern western culture belief, we are always in process, never done. And being refined Until- - - - -

The past 4 years in chronological order have been; Obedience, Surrender, Humility, and Trust, and with that every year I have said for the past 13 years that he is my Sustenance. And I got a confirmation from a friend and counterpart in writing that He sustains me.

As I am out here in new territory just  released my first book. Who knew?? And now working on my second, maybe? The girl from the Trailor Park. See God really does make beauty out of ashes. And when we surrender and give in , it’s a really beautiful dance. We are never too old, too sick, too poor, too ugly, too insignificant or too anything for God; It’s not about Us it’s about Him and who he is and what He is doing in and through us. Let’s find the Joy on the pathway….  Even when it is so terribly painful.

I don’t know how many of you reading this may have seen any of the Madea movies. But , there is one in particular where Mr. Brown sings this is your grandaddy – kiss him on the forehead and raise him like Lazuruth. I joke and watch it on You-Tube. But, in all seriousness, Jesus rose Lazurus from the dead after 4 days and He stunk. He has been raising me for the past 13 years if not much more!!  John 11:38-4438 Jesus, once more deeply moved, came to the tomb. It was a cave with a stone laid across the entrance. 39 “Take away the stone,” he said.

“But, Lord,” said Martha, the sister of the dead man, “by this time there is a bad odor, for he has been there four days.”

40 Then Jesus said, “Did I not tell you that if you believe, you will see the glory of God?”

41 So they took away the stone. Then Jesus looked up and said, “Father, I thank you that you have heard me. 42 I knew that you always hear me, but I said this for the benefit of the people standing here, that they may believe that you sent me.”

43 When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” 44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face.

Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.”

I said in a certain season I was not ready to die. Even though I have been reduced to a frail state and when I look in the mirror and see a mere shadow of who I once was. I get tired beyond places I ever thought I could, yet God is faithful and He will never fail. In my weakness is where I am finding strength and it is HIS {JESUS} not mine.

However, in all of these things I am coming to the realize that  in the midst of what I am seeing  there is a great big mirror to see starring back at me. Of all the years of my own stuff that I have been and still am working on that I am somehow trying to control because I am deep down inside terrified and not even realizing it. And at the same time  I see the people around me who I had no Idea were watching my life- care about me , love me and God working in their lives too! He truly is a wonder working God! He works miracles every single day! And in ways we never would have Imagined. So the stinky grave clothes are not always about us; sometimes they are for God’s purposes and our good at the same time.